Moreover, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. Matthew 18:15
Anyone who has spent much time around children has undoubtedly heard this refrain when breaking up a spat. It may be hard to determine who is right and who is wrong, but we must try to settle the matter. While it is difficult to do, children must learn to resolve conflicts, even if they were not the ones who started it. This is easier said than done because when they are innocent, it is hard to take the high road with the one who has wronged them. We should not be surprised by these types of arguments with children, but sadly this is not confined to children.
Many adults will maintain grudges, quarrels, and feuds for long ages because “he started it” or “she started it.” As ridiculous as such things are, it is not that difficult to imagine this among the worldly who stake no claims to uphold the teachings of the Christ. Sadly, this situation is not at all foreign to brothers and sisters in Christ. Along the way, both as a Christian in the pew and now as a minister of the gospel, I have seen more long-standing feuds among brethren than I care to remember. When asked why the issue has not been resolved, it is often said, “He started it, so why should I be expected to fix it?” This attitude makes restoring Christian unity impossible between the parties involved.
At some point, someone must be the adult and take the initiative to solve the problem, even if they did not start it. This requires a swallowing of the pride (cf. James 4:1-12) and a willingness to suffer wrongs rather than to commit them (cf. 1 Corinthians 6:7-8; 1 Peter 2:19-23; 3:9). No doubt someone will claim this is too much to ask, but if we look at the source of the calls to such an attitude, we see that Christ is merely asking us to do that which He did Himself. When Jesus was wronged, He did not return in kind. He did not refuse to reconcile because He was the innocent party, and aren’t we glad? We would do well to remember that in the dispute between us and God, one which Paul said all accountable people have (Romans 3:9-12, 23; 5:12), we started it.
We must remember that God sent Jesus to die for the ungodly (i.e. His enemies-Romans 5:6-8). He could have abandoned us or quarreled with us forever and simply said, “he started it” or “she started it”, but instead He took the initiative to restore the relationship we broke with Him. Aren’t we thankful He did not take this petty position we often do?
It is imperative that we review the consequences of a brother or sister refusing to reconcile because “he started it” or “she started it.” As counterintuitive and countercultural as it is, Jesus laid the responsibility for engaging the reconciliation process at the feet of the innocent party if the guilty party has not already done so (Matthew 18:15-17). He did not say to wait for them to realize their errors and come seeking reconciliation. He said, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone…” To stand back, hold a grudge against a brother or sister, and say “he started it” or “she started it” is to directly disobey the Lord’s commandments. When the judgment comes, and we have refused such, we will have no defense for our actions. It will do us not good to stand in the judgment and say, “he started it” or “she started it.” Remember, in God’s dispute with you, you started it. In His dispute with me, I started it. So, whether we be the offender or the offended, let us make every effort at reconciliation to God’s glory and our good.